When the plane took off and I saw the cotton-like clouds through the windowpane, I wondered how such innocent clouds could shake the big whole plane?

When I was standing by the male-dominated seaport, waiting for the boat to bring me offshore, I asked myself, what on earth am I doing here?

When I was staring at the white ceiling in my hotel room, I tried to recall was it seasick or the seasick pills that caused my head, and the entire room, spinning?

When I was waiting in the cold and humming airport, I wondered what were they feeling when the ever-smiling stewardess announced that flights were delayed for another few hours?

When I was sitting next to a little blond, blue-eyed girl in the plane, I have the urge to ask the lucky mother how does it feel to have such a darling little angle in her arms every night?

When the taxi driver drove me home through the starless night, I kept on thinking if it will be another breezy, rainy night?

A lot of thoughts been running through my aching brain and they are taking tolls on my serenity lately. Sometimes I wish I can do less thinking and do things rather abruptly. To be less like me and run free. To take the easy way out and hide. But for every action, there is reaction. And I am a firm believer that what goes around, comes around. True, the world does not depend solely on me. But I matter to the little world of mine, either I want it or not.

Some may say my life has nothing fascinating to tell. Maybe, but to me, my life, so far, has caused me enough tears to drown my sanity and sufficient wound to scar my beaten soul. Do not get me wrong, my life is not consistently bleak, sad and melancholic. In fact, the things that push me through the suffocating moments and pull me out of the trapping quick-sand are the colorful moments of the past, grateful day of the present and promising rainbows of tomorrow. The people, the time, the place. All in one heartening package, like a powerful tonic satisfying my thirst through a constant trial of life. Exaggerating? To you maybe, to me, it is 100%ly true.

I believe, most of the times, we have to be strong and hang on to the positive side of the world so that our presence in this temporary world counts later. No matter how complicated the work is, no matter how lonely the heart is, no matter how clingy people around us may be, no matter how badly we want the soaring dream to be that tangible thing, no matter how impossible the journey may seem, believing that the positive power we bring to others along the struggling stream- may it be happiness, love or a temporary relief, is a very soothing promise.

Besides, seeing other people smile is very rewarding. And silently I pray, one day, perhaps one day, hopefully one day, I have that smile in my eyes, that warm bliss in my heart and happiness it shines so bright that it touches right through the heart.

Till then, keep on rolling! Because when the going gets tough, the tough gets going

It is not a poem but a string of meandering words
It is like telling them something but not the whole thing
Or rather, it is like shouting it out loud to the world but it ended up like a song
Flowery, discreetly
And makes you wander and wonder
What on earth does it really means?
What exactly is she thinking?

Dancing in the rain

The sticky, wet land was our dance floor
The raindrops were our confetti
The lightning was not our sole lighting
The sun was about to set, the moon was ready to be seen
The frogs, the waves and the raindrops on the rooftops made the sweetest music
We were running, but I know I am dancing
I am happy
And I thought I have forgotten how 'happy' really feels
Until that day came
Dancing in the rain
I am happy

I wonder when it will revisit me.
Because right now, when it rains, it pours
I look into the space and the space stares back at me
Asking me the very same question I want to ask to those who want to hear
If I cry, will you please be here to lend me your shoulder?
If I want to jump, will you please be my anchor?
If I want to stare at the starless night, will you please pretend that it is not the blackest ever?
If I want to draw my impossible dream, will you please excuse my bad sketching?
And if I want to dance in the rain, will you please follow me to the sticky, wet floor?

It plays the same music
It draws the same scenery
It speaks the same dialogue
It drums the same beat
It follows the same drill

The difference is, I am no longer her
And thus, different consequences
When once is more than enough
Who bothers to think of the next time?

I know it by heart
I know it by hard
I can walk blindfolded
I can recite though I am deaf

I can blame the circumstances for a first time mistake
But I can only blame myself if the second time hurts

Perhaps I will never feel it
Because perhaps, I am no longer her

A Song by Zain Bhikha
Allah Knows

When you feel all alone in this world
And there's nobody to count your tears
Just remember, no matter where you are
Allah knows Allah knows

When you carrying a monster load
And you wonder how far you can go
With every step on that road that you take
Allah knows Allah knows

No matter what, inside or out
There's one thing of which there's no doubt
Allah knows Allah knows
And whatever lies in the heavens and the earth
Every star in this whole universe
Allah knows Allah knows

When you find that special someone
Feel your whole life has barely begun
You can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone
Allah knows Allah knows

When you gaze with love in your eyes
Catch a glimpse of paradise
And you see your child take the first breath of life
Allah knows Allah knows

When you lose someone close to your heart
See your whole world fall apart
And you try to go on but it seems so hard
Allah knows Allah knows

These are the unspoken words
Words that are in the head all the time
But cannot find their ways out to form a complete line
These are the horrid tales
Tales that are at everyone's tongue
But are quite hard to believe
These are the rasping voices
Voices that are incredibly sobbing
But can only be heard if you don't seek
These are the tears
Tears that linger only on the eyes of the beholder
But can never fall as they are too draining

These are the deafening silence
No words, no plausible tales, no blissful voices
But the noises are there
Deafening

Though the road is long, the journey is longer
Though the mind is wise, the thought is wiser
Surely, he who does not plan to lose the battle
Does not know if he would win either
But one thing for sure
One step at a time
Silencing the deafening

A baby wants to be a child

So he can run across the miles

A child wants to be a pupil

So he no longer confines to the yard only

A pupil wants to go to high school

So he can ride motorbike and no more carpool

A high school student wants to become the university students

So there will be no school uniform but only the faded jeans

A university student is eager to graduate

So he can get rid of the credit hours and get the scroll

A graduate is eager to be employed

So he can get the payment and enjoy

An employee is waiting for the senior promotion

So he has more money and mightier challenge

A senior employee is eyeing for the senior manager

So the work is less technical and more on management

A senior manager is wishing for his own company

So he has everything and can do as he pleases

A company owner considers retiring

So he can rest, play and sleep likes a baby

But I thought a baby wants to be a child who wants to be a pupil who wants to be a high school student who wants to be in university who wants to be a graduate who wants to be an employee who wants to be a senior who wants to be a senior manager who wants to be a man of his own company who wants to be a baby

It is not confusing, it is forever funny

Is this the only thing this life means? Surely there is more than this simple cycle of wish. If we look a bit higher, if we see a bit further, if we think a bit deeper, this world offers more than what it seems.

There is something more precious than the worldly earth.

O, Allah. Show me. Hold me. Guide me.

we are no longer children
who need to cry to be heard
yes, we are indeed no longer children
as we only cry when they did not hear us

When the sirens blaring throughout the city,
I believe it tells me that I am not lonely
When the computer breaks down,
I believe it proves to me that it is indeed just a machine
When the trains stuck in the peak hours of Mondays,
I believe it shows me the importance of time
When the flight takes off,
I believe it takes away with it the troubles on my shoulder
When I am away from the crowd,
I believe it draws me the spacious world
When the rain pours,
I believe it drains my tears
When the lightning strikes,
I believe it gives me a glimpse of tomorrow
When the moon peeps over the hill,
I believe it guides me through the darkest hour
When the silence takes over,
I believe it provides me tranquility
When the sun shines,
I believe it chases away the dark shadows

For every action, there is reaction
and for every occurrence there is reason
To look on the bright side of life is what keeps me going all this while
I do not wonder why the field is greener on the other side
Because I know I have a beautiful garden by my side

A chant I chant, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going..

it is raining again in Miri
it always rains this past few days
my room has a nice view of Miri city
i can see the canada hill where there were beautiful fireworks displays on the chinese new year night two days back
i can see the river that leads to the wide sea, so calm it seems
i love sitting near the vast window
looking as farthest as the eyes can see
lost in my own train of thoughts

it rains, and it brings the sentimental in me
i have been thinking a lot lately
and mostly it is all about me
i have been thinking too much that it scares me
i shouldnt be left alone
because i know my mind will start to wonder and wander
and now it has started to do just that
i cant really reverse and rewind

who am i
what am i doing here
what i want
what i really want
who are these people
who are they in my life
what have i done
what i havent done enuff
what is my aim
what is my dream
how am i going to get there
whom to ask
whose strength and warmth am i asking for
how long will it take
who will travel along with me
who will really travel along with me

so it rains again
and i m boarding my train of thoughts
and Allah is All-Knowing when i myself know not

i always think i m an optimist, always looking on the bright side of life, believes that there is hope and dream is a powerful weapon. and that is why i am still standing. still standing tho the ground shakes and the sky darkens. i hv given my best but some believe that my best is not the best yet.

so they keep on pushing me. asking me to dream big, bigger than what i believe i can reach. ushering me towards the limitless sky, higher than i imagine i could fly. forcing me to think outside the box until my brain wanted to explode, and convincing me that the sea is big but the ocean has endless limit.

i'm shouting 'stop!' but they smile and pat on my back. saying that there is something in me that needs a bit of polishing.

no, no, no! get away from me. i need a space for me. i want to run and let the sweat drowns me. i want to fly and see everything i want to see. dont push me anymore. you are getting me close to the cliff. and i m not sure if i can handle another fall. not after..well, not after the last tragedy..just dont! because if u insist, i think i will..well, just dont, okay! big girl dont cry, much.. and i dont like crying as crying is too tiring. and crying breaks my scarcely-there will..and crying makes me lonely and crying just kills me..believe me!

i need time. a time to think, a time to heal, a time to feel, a time to be what i really want to be. some time, that u hardly gives me

Guide me Allah. make me among those who hv your guidance. I only hv You, when others is nowhere to be seen.

to whom it may concern,

the sun may shine but the cloud covers the beautiful sunshine
to whom it may concern,
the star is bright but the Milky Way is too wide
to whom it may concern,
the sea is calm but the under-current grows by miles
to whom it may concern,
the flower blooms proudly but it is only for display
to whom it may concern,
there is silver lighting in the darkest day but the speed is too high that it gets away
to whom it may concern,
the road splits into two opposite ways but it looks right the same
to whom it may concern,
the one who talks is talking but who is listening anyway
to whom it may concern,
can you introduce yourself today?

Case #1 is never close as she runs for an escape route. And then she opens a new chapter as she's trying to ignore Case #1. Then suddenly Case #2 peeps over the routine life of hers and leaps into her fear. Thus she takes a deep breath and relax, and looking for answers. And answer is all she gets as she sees another escape route. She settles for something better and never been happier. Until Case #3 is around the corner and coming fast towards her. She tries to find another escape route, but it is a one way road. Thus Case #3 is always following her. And she runs and runs and runs till the sweat drowns her. But she keeps on running and running and running till Case #3 takes over. And it stops right in front of her as she falls on her knees and sprains the ankle. She dares not to look at Case #3 especially as the tears cover her vision. But the tears soon dry up and the vision is never clearer. Obviously Case #3 is a reach away, and the most surprising thing is Case #3 comes in a complete package together with the unsettled business. Clearly the previous escape routes brings her back to square one, meeting with #3, #2 and #1.
And so she realizes. Escape route should never be the choice as it never settles the problem. She can run and she can hide, but the unsettled will always haunt her back. She can lie to others but she cant lie to herself. She drives herself crazy and she has herself to blame.
But she runs again, anyway!