Where the future leads? I used to be 19 and knew nothing about this place. I once was 19 and too naive to know that life twisted along the way. But now I am a different person all together. Looking back, it looked surreal. Life has taught me a lot, and I am an excellent student when it comes to learn about this world and its people. Life hardens me somehow. But I still have my nightmares. They surely freak me out. They make me want to run as they never failed to break my heart and spirit. I am stupid if I let them linger too long and thus, I have chosen to move on, though they do visit me once awhile. For better or worse, I rest it on Him. But surely I pray for the best, wherever it leads me to. Yes, wherever. This blog? This blog has become one of my best friends for the last two difficult years. I wrote what my heart wants. It might be the little diary of mine, a place to babble around or perhaps a bridge to let go the unspoken words. I hardly let go verbally what is inside, my best friends might already figured that out. I always prefer to write, because it is safer that way. You can control your writing so hopefully, none is hurt. From the first day, I let my blog to be read by the trusted ones. The ones whom I want to share my little, rather unimportant, words with. But surely one day, others will find my blog during their blog-hopping. Do I care about that? No, I do not care. But be warned. Some may not like what I wrote. And do I care? No, I do not care. I do not change because people want me to. But I will do whatever I want to do. Enough said. Love? The One Million Dollar Question. True love is with Him. You find Him, and you will find love. You ignore Him, you will find no peace. But people are expecting different kind of explanation. Who is you boyfriend? This kind of question has been buggering me forever. So, according to the so-called law of the world, I need to have a boyfriend to become The Girl. Well, I may have a few crushes but all went crashed and left some rather unfriendly marked on my heart. They harden me, and they are good at it. Maybe people will ask me the Next Million Dollar Question. When are you getting married? And I have my answer ready. For me, marriage is like death. Not because as if it is grey and grave, but because it is something secured. Before we were born into this maddening world, death and marriage are among the things that you cannot change. No matter how badly you want it. No matter how much you bleed for it. No matter if you cried an ocean wide. God has plan for us. Great plan indeed, even if I died before I met the right one. Rest assured. Everything has been planned. First thing first. I must become a good Muslim girl, and rest everything as planned by the Greatest Planner. My Kiwi Friends Sorry if I let you girls down. Sorry if I failed to be the perfect friend. Sorry if I hurt your feeling with my sharp tongue. Sorry if I did not live up to the expectation. Sorry if I resemble those bad memories. Sorry if I did not soothe your bad hair days. Sorry if I cannot cry with you. Sorry if I failed to say the right words at the right time. Sorry if I said the wrong words at the wrong time. Sorry if I expressed too little. Sorry if I make you feel bad. Sorry if I cannot make you fly high. Sorry if I walk away at the times you need me most. Sorry if I ignored the signs. Sorry if my hugs are not tight. Sorry if I am emotionless. Sorry if I did not share my tears. Sorry if you have to listen to my prattle. Sorry if I joke too much. Sorry for everything they always say. But one thing for sure, I never feel sorry to have you girls in my life. Undoubtedly there are ups and downs. They are moments of frustration. But they all make me a better person who loves you girls with all my heart. Really, really appreciate that you are here during my hard times. I owe you my life for your presence and patience. I found strength in us. A strength that I refuse to let go. What is next? I want to go home, right under the warm shade of my great family. Under the protective eyes of my father and brothers. Under the embrace of my mother. And under the sisterly love of my sisters. I traveled too much this past 10 years. I think this is the perfect time to go home. No matter how far I have went to, no matter how high I have flown away, no matter how far I have sailed away, I am still a small town girl who feels at ease when she is at the small town of hers. Looking back, I feel completely overwhelmed by the road I have taken. I feel proud of myself for the uphills that had taken all my energy and for the downhills that marked some scars during the falls. And I feel like crying. And I feel like going home. But it is a cruel world out there. Someone needs to get their hands dirty and fight the evil. Though I have no interest to play Superman, it is a responsibility that I have to uphold. Broken or shattered, in cloud's nine or rainbow's end, work to be done, must be done. After all, I am a small town girl with a big dream. A dream to change the world, which starts with some small steps of hers and which takes some big sacrifices along the way. Life hardens me somehow. For better or worse, I rest it on Him. But surely I pray for the best, wherever it leads me to. Yes, wherever. Dihempas gelombang dilemparkan angin Terkisah bersedih bahagia Di indah dunia yang berakhir sunyi Langkah kaki di dalam rencanaNya Semua berjalan dalam kehendakNya Nafas, hidup, cinta dan segalaNya Dan tertakdir menjalani segala kehendakMu ya robbi Ku berserah ku berpasrah hanya padaMu ya robbi Dan tertakdir menjalani segala kehendakMu ya robbi Ku berserah ku berpasrah hanya padaMu ya robbi Bila mungkin ada luka cuba tersenyumlah Bila mungkin tawa cuba bersabarlah Kerana air mata tak abadi Akan hilang dan berganti Bila mungkin hidup hampa dirasa Mungkinkan hati merindukan Dia Kerana hanya denganNya hati tenang Damai jiwa dan raga Dan tertakdir menjalani segala kehendakMu ya robbi Ku berserah ku berpasrah hanya padaMu ya robbi Dan tertakdir menjalani segala kehendakMu ya robbi Ku berserah ku berpasrah hanya padaMu ya robbi Hanya padaMu ya robbi